What would you tell your 18 year self?

Didn’t make enough money last week

Didn’t make enough yesterday

Probably won’t make enough day

Hopeless

But I’m told this is a good thing

I’m in air with no parachute

Maybe I can call myself a sky dancer

I know lm blessed ive made it this far

7 years

The American dream

Not my dream particularly

I actually didn’t have any real dreams

I only knew of survival

I just applied at a dog bathing job when I was 18 since I had just gracefully bowed out of high school

I would have told myself back then

“Try to make college work, even if it’s just the  basics, your associates whatever ,your survival skills actually helps you here more then you think

You know what’s it like to starve

For attention ✅

Food ✅

Safety ✅

And as depressing as that is

It can fill up your tank

Make you run to the car and put the pedal to floor and

Drive

Drive

Drive

Almost pass out from

Exhaustion and no sustenance

Because your so determined to get that little girl (that was you)

Off that futon couch in your grandmas living room you slept on for years

To tell her that her step dad was wrong for saying you would be nothing without him

Even though he was then one who left

It’ll make you push yourself so hard that you even

Wish ,

Shit , even beg

for a car to collide into you

so it can all stop

Stop stop stop

You don’t even feel in control of the vehicle , your possessed and can’t stop crying or driving the fucking car

There’s something in you so etched in your brain you hide it away with booze and shitty relationships , even friendships.

You lined up your worth with making money

Because you need money to survive obviously

I’m here to tell you at 34

that’s not all that matters

You lost that little girl in you

Please keep playing and laughing

And dancing

Maybe that’s why we didn’t dream

You need childlike wonder to dream bigger

Then your where  next meal is

or how the next bill will get paid

Stare at the colors of the sky and clouds

Watch birds bathe in puddles

Breathe in and out

And

Dream

Dream

Dream

Your actually capable of great things whatever you do “